Last blog post

I feel that there isn't anything else to really discuss or dish about because I'm beyond depressed and not sure how to cope with the daily, consistent disappointments and dramasodes in my life and I'm not going to continue to complain about it. I'm putting up and shutting up because that is just the way my life IS supposed to be. I expect nothing and it is what it is. It's been an interesting ride.

When the thoughts come to you, just let it flow...

A lot of things are on my mind from summer employment to bills and a lawsuit. I have no idea what I am going to do about graduate school as yet and praying to whatever every day that my mother is continuing her uphill cancer recovery.

I am trying my hardest to stay consistently positive and motivated, which is getting better. What puzzles me the most is that I just cannot find my footing when it comes to the male persuasion. I'm here trying to figure them out or even willing grasp the concepts of their modus operandi. I just want to be genuinely liked and appreciated, truly.

It never fails that after a long relationship that I invested time, money and energy into that he becomes an asshole and up and leave to return between 2 - 5 years later with apologies. Am I "that" kind of woman? Why can't I can get the good things for first time around? Why do I have to "un-harden" my heart and be the bigger person dishing out forgiveness? It's a rather puzzling and troubling cycle, which propels me to believe that single-hood is meant for me.

Men also change drastically around me. One minute they want my time and after about a year or so, conversations are based on useless tidbits of daily life like bowel movements and bills. Then they distance themselves until I am proactively trying to salvage what I thought was a relationship to only find out I was the jackass that didn't know it was over.

I wonder when this cycle is going to end. Is it me? I am the common denominator (well duh, my life). I'm not sure what to do about this.

Yes, darling...HE is pretty.

So, I received a pet bird as a gift from a friend and her family to be a companion during the time of crisis when I found out my mother had cancer and I had to continue with school.

I fell in love with this beautiful little parakeet. At first, of course, it was scared and confused in this new home but month after month, we got to know each other and I love my birdie and I named it Tallulah. We bonded and her kisses always made me feel better and so did her chirping.

Well, on summer break from the semester, I visit the vet for a check up. Birdie is excited and personable and just a plain wonderful little creature. Then I found out Tallulah is a boy...

Do birds have identity crisis? I feel like a bad mom, in addition to clipping his wings. I truly love this little, delicate thing and want no harm to come to it. Though I was pleasantly amused and did laugh a little hysterically, I think about any possible damage I could have caused.

You may think, "it's just a bird" but when you have an attachment to another living being, you cannot help but respond the way I do.

Through this, I love him even more and that makes my heart truly full.

Tallulah is now Toby.

I love you Toby =)

Ummm...

Okay so in the midst of me being quite bored relationship wise (well there isn't a concrete one to be bored with anyway) and trying like hell to make some money, it never ceases to amaze me that people in NYC cannot drive safely for anything. Why try to overtake me on a very narrow road when you can surely guesstimate that you have a few feet left before stepping on the brakes is just TOO LATE. I mean seriously. Why are men such FUCKING idiots? Your penis is not in direct correlation to your stick shift or the size of your vehicle. If that were the case, it would take more than condoms and abstinence to be safe near you. Furthermore, driving safely to your destination ensures that you GET TO your destination. Sheesh.

Anyway...

I'm not sure what else I would like to rant about. Hummm, well, I'm looking for someone exciting, caring, successful, understanding, full of life, patient, not bad looking and likes to hang with family. Any takers?? HAHA.

Okay really, I have nothing else to rant about...

See ya.

I should consider...

filing for Bankruptcy. At this point, I'm drowning. Not even swimming. I am dying under the weight of money issues and I have no idea if it'll ever be better. I haven't the slightest clue about recovery and I'm not even wanting to check my credit score for the umpteenth time. This is not because of the downturn of the economy, this way way before that and no level of academic degree can fish me out of this hole. I'm not sure what I am going to do...

It's been forever and a day...

I'm surprised that I actually had the ability to log into this account again, or face it for that matter. It's been almost a year since I divulged my personal business for any and almost everyone to read about. The last time was finding out, well confirming that my mother had breast cancer.

Now, she's fighting back and kicking it square where it hurts! She's a warrior and that is all I can ask for.

It's been two years since I became a student and it was simply hell.
Here's the breakdown in a big, pussfilled nutshell:

1) Mom and cancer
2) (FORMER)Voice teacher, who might as well be a cancer
3) BEDBUG infestations
4) Money and me are not friends
5) Moving out and incurring damages
6) Moved to a new box of an apartment with three pets and a guy who revels in video games
7) See number 4
8) Bought a car
9) See number 4
10)Got sued
11)See number 4
12)Waiting to still get sued
13)See number 4
14)Reeling from some depression because number 4 is a bitch!

So here I am, trying to recover, just simply, r.e.c.o.v.e.r. Clear my head, plan new schemes though, let's be honest, it's not working according to any plan. Frankly, if I wholeheartedly believed in a higher power, plans wouldn't go according to Him, Her, It or Them either. HAHA. I digress.

So my peers around me are doing big things. I mean, ginormous. They are directing films, they are travelling, booking gigs, about their careers, enjoying their 20's and early 30's and STILL, another year and I still cannot seem to find my calling, my niche, my drive, my "whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, shit, or not!" Something! Anything!

I don't have the midas touch and I have been thinking that I wasn't born to do something or it's taking time. For example, I starting singing because I wanted to know what it felt like at the age of 8. I started ballet because I wanted to wear a tutu (I also admired the porcelin ballerina figurine my grammy had nailed to her wall). I started karate because my cousins did it and I wanted the cool yellow belt. I started writing because I wanted to best my bestfriend. I started to draw because I thought it would impress a friend. All done and no real spark or creativity.

So that leaves me here, wondering and trying to plan a course of action but with no direction. So what do I do?

Please don't direct me to another author or book...I'll probably castrate the next Ekhart Tolle. Seriously, I have ADD...gimme a break here.

The big C

So my mom has been diagnosed with a tumor which has spread to her liver and her bone as well as jaundice. She's receiving chemotherapy and I am angry. I am numb and not sure I am feeling anything yet other then my mind wandering about horrible outcomes. I'm not sure what to do but I am making sure I am there and present with every request she has. I'm not really filled with emotions just a blank but one day at a time I guess.


Joy out for a while...

No drug can cure this

So it's 6 am and I haven't slept a wink. Thoughts have been rampant in my mind since winding down around 1 am after work last night. I think about the past, the present and I'm beyond depressed to conjure up a future. Here I am, in Fredonia, NY, struggling to pay rent with a part-time job, bills to pay, jealous of my high school peers who are blatantly showing off their awesome lives and degrees on Facebook, broke, feeling like I have accomplished nothing and going nowhere and undeserving of anything. I guess the ex was right, I am nobody. I have decided I am not going to my high school reunion. I didn't have any real close friends to begin with, I trust no one and they have all kept in touch with each other. What am I going to say when they ask me what I have been up to? I have nothing to show other than some notebooks on German diction and a school ID. My mom's not doing so well and I can't hold a relationship.

I thought I was starting a new chapter but it's a continuation of my life. I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I have no idea what I am going to do when I graduate. I have a "voice teacher" who doesn't give a shit about me. I have no idea what I am reaching towards. I don't enjoy sex, to really think about I never have. Maybe I have pretended so long that it has become a natural thing to say I do when I don't. I wish this was a pity party but I truly believe that I am mistake and a place-filler. I wasn't really born with any real purpose. I wasn't destined and though of to become something, even as a child. I wasn't special or smart. I was agreeable, followed the rules and remained silent when asked.

What the hell am I really doing here? That's the real question.